Lovemaps are those clusters of many thoughts and feelings that make up a picture that is usually in our subconscious minds about our ideal mate.
This conglomeration of various attributes often includes many aspects of our ideal mate’s personality. How the person behaves socially, certain values that fit with ours, race, religion, politics, physical appearance, hair colour, weight, body shape, etc.
Our lovemap also often includes unconscious assumptions which we are not aware of.
One aspect of my lovemap is a wife who is good at being able to stand her ground in front of other people. Another is that I am attracted to women who read and are aware of what is going on in the world.
I also am attracted to women who are like my mother, who was extremely loving and protective.
Most therapists are unable to explain the connection of lovemaps in our choosing a mate.
Most say that the most explainable reason is through recognising that any potential mate/partner to whom we are attracted (head over heal) is someone who meets the most important yardsticks of our lovemap.
These yardsticks are developed through our parents (same and opposite sex), our early lives (physical violence, molestation). Others come from cultural norms, media images, popular personalities and role models.
It is said that if there is a compatibility of lovemaps between two healthy people it can be a match made in heaven. However with many couples moving in together soon after “falling in love”, only the surface of the lovemap may be scratched leading to turmoil in a marriage after a short courtship. Once they go deeper into the layers of subconscious attributes, values and belief systems, cracks begin to form and people find themselves falling “out of love”.
Unfortunately much of our lovemaps are buried deep in our subconscious. Only when our partner shocks us are we aware of the differences.
This is one of the causes of the high separation and divorce rate.
Everyone has a lovemap, but some peoples lovemaps have been distorted by traumatic events such as rape or incest, or humiliating early sexual experiences.
Lovemaps can become confusing in such situations and affect the person’s unconscious beliefs and expectations for a mate and a loving relationship.
If you are in this situation it is best that you go and see a therapist who can help you.
In general, most people’s lovemaps are psychologically healthy.
If you are unsure there are many books on the subject of lovemaps.